I thought I knew


Something I wrote a few days after my mother passed away on the 24th of December.  


I thought I knew pain

Until I got a call that day;

That call to give me news

That my mum was now far away.

That I would no longer hear

Her laughter and her voice,

Would no longer be able to hug her

Or see those twinkling eyes.


My world crashed in around me,

And nothing felt the same;

There was anger, guilt, remorse,

And waves and waves of pain.

My head felt dizzy and light

My heart couldn’t stop racing;

As I let the news sink in,

Of the reality I was now facing.


“There’s no pulse” is all I could hear

Those words kept ringing in my head;

I felt all my strength vanish

I had just enough to crawl to bed.

I cried till there were no more tears,

And then I cried some more;

Why didn’t God keep her alive?

I would have been there day after tomorrow.


I would have seen her one more time

And been able to see her smile;

Able to see her laugh and cry

Been able to say goodbye.

The questions seemed unending

The pain and grief relentless;

And I felt my mind recede

Into a cavern of deep darkness


I could hear my sisters crying,

My father saying she cannot go

I could see it all unfold

But only through my phone

I thought I knew pain

Until I got a call that day;

That call to give me news

That my mum was now far away.


I thought I knew grace

Till the day my mum died;

With each step of that story

God’s love was just magnified.


He gave protection at each turn

And doctors who gave their all;

Not just caring for the body

But also encouraging her soul.

He gave friends to stand with her

And with my father and my sisters;

He made sure mum had her desire

Of being allowed many visitors.


No chemo was another wish

That the doctors then granted,

And while she died of cancer

She never had to live with it.

Eight hours from the news

That it was indeed stage four;

Eight hours surrounded by loved ones

And then she was no more.

For all the spread of cancer,

Where all it had gone;

Each time they talked of pain

She said she had none.


There’s story after story,

Each saturated in love;

To show me how she died

Under the care of God above.

In tenderness He led her

And took her by the hand;

With great grace He held her

As they walked toward His land

She stared in peaceful wonder

That’s what I am told;

As if she saw glory

And the heavens unfold.


I thought I knew grace

Till the day my mum died;

With each step of that story

God’s love was just magnified.


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